Thanks For All Those Emails...

[masterbrewer]

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As we progress into 2012, I want to wish you ALL a happy New year and thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

<b>I can no longer</b> open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

<b>I can't sit down</b> on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

<b>I have trouble shaking hands</b> with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

<b>I can't touch</b> any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

<b>I MUST SEND</b> MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, <b>now I have to</b> scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

<b>I can't have</b> a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

<b>I can't eat</b> at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

<b>I can't use</b> cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, <b>I no longer drink</b> Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

<b>I no longer</b> buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

<b>I no longer</b> use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW <b>I can't boil a cup </b>of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

<b>I no longer</b> go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

<b>I no longer</b> go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And <b>I no longer</b> answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore andUzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU<b> I can't use </b>anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE<b> I can't ever</b> pick up a coin dropped in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

<b>I can't do</b> any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by a white tailed Spider and my hand will fall off.

<b>If you don't</b> send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

<!--coloro:#FF8C00--><!--/coloro-->A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.<!--colorc-->
<!--/colorc--> Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

<!--coloro:#FF8C00--><!--/coloro-->NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…<!--colorc-->
<!--/colorc-->
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[Yamasaki]

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[OF.uk]

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