<!--quoteo(post=168027:date=Mon 28th Jun 2010, 05:15 PM:name=pete7)-->QUOTE(pete7 @ Mon 28th Jun 2010, 05:15 PM)
<{POST_SNAPBACK}><!--quotec-->I am afraid I must agree - did we not used to have <i>Land of Hope and Glory</i> in the Home Internationals? A lot more stimulating!
We also need more players with basic technical football skills FFS! We need to get kids learning to be in contact with the ball more in youth football - not try to emulate full size league games. Many years ago my eldest, in under 9's teams, played on full size pitches, had to wear his clumsy boots and shin/ankle pads in all matches, and, as a winger, most of his game was spent watching the ball hoisted high from one centre-half to the opposing centre-half in the hope that the center forward would by chance pick it up and have a go at goal.
I really think you learned more when you played informally, every day, using a "auld shoes" and a "tennissy" in the cobbled back lane, you were involved all the time and had to control the ball on a difficult surface, And you had no "would be managers" on the touchline screaming "play deep, put it wide, hit him, ref you are a disgrace etc etc" from the touch line.
And of course you had... "jumpers for goal posts"......................
Time for my cocoa and a lie down now I think
Pete
p.s. ............and look forwad to enjoying the skills of Argentina, Mexico and Brazil, etc etc and even the Germans
p.p.s. ...and the Tour De France starts soon. Come on Wiggins and Cavendish.<!--QuoteEnd--><!--QuoteEEnd-->
That reminded me of <i>The Rules of Playground Football</i> (long)
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October 10, 2003
Playground football
Playground football - The rules of the game [taken from rec.sport.soccer]
Duration
Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two playtimes and a
lunchtime. Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a
bell, and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods,
play may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the
nihilism or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment
meted out to latecomers back to the classroom. In practice there is a
sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten to stand in line as soon as
the bell rings, known as "poofs", through those who will hang on until the
time they estimate it takes the teachers to down the last of their G & T's
and journey from the staffroom, known as "chancers", and finally to those
who will hang on until a teacher actually has to physically retrieve them,
known as "bampots". This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the
logistics of a match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the
scoreline as the number of remaining participants drops. It is important,
therefore, in picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs,
chancers and bampots in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained
period of play - a lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a
five-minute post-bell onslaught of five bampots against one. The scoreline
to be carried over from the previous period of the match is in the trust of
the last bampots to leave the field of play, and may be the matter of some
debate. This must be resolved in one of the approved manners (see
Adjudication).
Parameters
The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of jackets,
in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout the match,
depending on the number of participants and the prevailing weather. As the
number of players increases, so shall the piles. Each jacket added to the
pile by a new addition to a side should be placed on the inside, nearest the
goalkeeper, thus reducing the target area. It is also important that the
sleeve of one of the jackets should jut out across the goalmouth, as it will
often be claimed that the ball went "over the post" and it can henceforth be
asserted that the outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile
and thus the inside of the post. The on-going reduction of the size of the
goal is the responsibility of any respectable defence and should be
undertaken conscientiously with resourcefulness and imagination.
In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is observed
as being slightly above head height, although when the height at which a
ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement shall lie with an
arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is known as the "best
fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced with physical violence
if anyone wants to stretch a point.
There are no pitch markings. Instead, physical objects denote the
boundaries, ranging from the most common - walls and buildings - to roads or
burns. Corners and throw-ins are redundant where bylines or touchlines are
denoted by a two-storey building or a six-foot granite wall. Instead, a
scrum should be instigated to decide possession. This should begin with the
ball trapped between the brickwork and two opposing players, and should
escalate to include as many team members as can get there before the now
egg-shaped ball finally emerges, often with a dismembered
foot and shin attached. At this point, goalkeepers should look out for the
player who takes possession of the escaped ball and begins bearing down on
goal, as most of those involved in the scrum will be unaware that the ball
is no longer amidst their feet. The goalkeeper should also try not to be
distracted by the inevitable fighting that has by this point broken out.
In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously denoted
by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence of roads,
water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the attacking
winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up and lets him
head back towards where the rest of the players are waiting, often as far as
quarter of a mile away. It is often observed that the playing area is "no' a
full-size pitch". This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of
players eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks It is the formal
response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as he
places the ball.
The Ball
There are a variety of types of ball approved for Primary School Football.
The following three notable examples are described.
1. The plastic balloon. An extremely lightweight model, used primarily in
the early part of the season and seldom after that due to having burst.
Identifiable by blue pentagonal panelling and the names of that year's
Premier League sides printed all over it.
Advantages: low sting factor, low burst-nose probability, cheap, discourages
a long-ball game.
Disadvantages: over-susceptible to influence of the wind, difficult to
control, almost magnetically drawn to flat school roofs whence never to
return.
2. The rough-finish Mitre. Half football, half Portuguese Man o' War. On the
verge of a ban in the European Court of Human Rights, this model is not for
sale to children. Used exclusively by teachers during gym classes as a kind
of aversion therapy. Made from highly durable fibre-glass, stuffed with
neutron star and coated with dead jellyfish.
Advantages: looks quite grown up, makes for high-scoring matches (keepers
won't even attempt to catch it). Disadvantages: scars or maims anything it
touches.
3. The "Tubey". Genuine leather ball, identifiable by brown all-over
colouring. Was once black and white, before ravages of games on concrete,
but owners can never remember when. Adored by everybody, especially keepers.
Advantages: feels good, easily controlled, makes a satisfying "whump" noise
when you kick it.
Disadvantages: turns into medicine ball when wet, smells like a dead dog.
4. The tennis ball. Fantastic at increasing skill levels and close control
although the defender with 'dockers' on always had the edge in the 50:50
tackle.
Offside
There is no offside, for two reasons: one, "it's no' a full-size pitch", and
two, none of the players actually know what offside is. The lack of an
offside rule gives rise to a unique sub-division of strikers. These players
hang around the opposing goalmouth while play carries on at the other end,
awaiting a long pass forward out of defence which they can help past the
keeper before running the entire length of the pitch with their arms in the
air to greet utterly imaginary adulation. These are known variously as
"poachers", "gloryhunters" and "fly wee bastards". These players display a
remarkable degree of self-security, seemingly happy in their own appraisals
of their achievements, and caring little for their team-mates' failure to
appreciate the contribution they have made. They know that it can be for
nothing other than their enviable goal tallies that they are so bitterly
despised.
Adjudication
The absence of a referee means that disputes must be resolved between the
opposing teams rather than decided by an arbiter. There are two accepted
ways of doing this.
1. Compromise. An arrangement is devised that is found acceptable by both
sides. Sway is usually given to an action that is in accordance with the
spirit of competition, ensuring that the game does not turn into "a pure
skoosh". For example, in the event of a dispute as to whether the ball in
fact crossed the line, or whether the ball has gone inside or "over" the
post, the attacking side may offer the ultimatum: "Penalty or goal." It is
not recorded whether any side has ever opted for the latter. It is on
occasions that such arrangements or ultimatum do not prove acceptable to
both sides that the second adjudicatory method comes into play.
2. Fighting. Those up on their ancient Hellenic politics will understand
that the concept we know as "justice" rests in these circumstances with the
hand of the strong. What the winner says, goes, and what the winner says is
just, for who shall dispute him? It is by such noble philosophical
principles that the supreme adjudicator, or Best Fighter, is effectively
elected.
Team Selection
To ensure a fair and balanced contest, teams are selected democratically in
a turns-about picking process, with either side beginning as a one-man
selection committee and growing from there. The initial selectors are
usually the recognised two Best Players of the assembled group. Their first
selections will be the two recognised Best Fighters, to ensure a fair
balance in the adjudication process, and to ensure that they don't have
their own performances impaired throughout the match by profusely bleeding
noses. They will then proceed to pick team-mates in a roughly meritocratic
order, selecting on grounds of skill and tactical awareness, but not
forgetting that while there is a sliding scale of players' ability, there is
also a sliding scale of players' brutality and propensities towards
motiveless violence.
A selecting captain might baffle a talented striker by picking the less
nimble Big Jazza ahead of him, and may explain, perhaps in the words of
Linden B Johnson upon his retention of J Edgar Hoover as the head of the
FBI, that he'd "rather have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside
the tent pissing in". Special consideration is also given during the
selection process to the owner of the ball. It is tacitly acknowledged to be
"his gemme", and he must be shown a degree of politeness for fear that he
takes the huffat being picked late and withdraws his favours. Another aspect
of team selection that may confuse those only familiar with the game at
senior level will be the choice of goalkeepers, who will inevitably be the
last players to be picked. Unlike in the senior game, where the goalkeeper
is often the tallest member of his team, in the playground, the goalkeeper
is usually the smallest.
Senior afficionados must appreciate that playground selectors have a
different agenda and are looking for altogether different properties in a
goalkeeper. These can be listed briefly as: compliance, poor fighting
ability, meekness, fear and anything else that makes it easier for their
team-mates to banish the wee bugger between the sticks while they go off in
search of personal glory up the other end.
Tactics
Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team formation.
Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to circumstance - from among
a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3, 5-3-2), the playground side
is usually more rigid in sticking to the all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This
formation is a sturdy basis for the unique style of play, ball-flow and
territorial give-and-take that makes the playground game such a renowned and
strategically engrossing spectacle. Just
as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in practice as
"Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of play that is
best described as "Nomadic". Also known as the "bees around honey"
formation. All but perhaps four of the participants (see also Offside)
migrate en masse from one area of the pitch to another, following the ball,
and it is tactically vital that every last one of them remains within a
ten-yard radius of it at all times.
Stoppages
Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players requiring
treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows freer having
adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no free-kick", and
play will continue around and even on top of a participant who has fallen in
the course of his endeavours. However, the playground game is nonetheless
subject to other interruptions, and some examples are listed below.
Ball on school roof or over school wall. The retrieval time itself is
negligible in these cases. The stoppage is most prolonged by the argument to
decide which player must risk life, limb or four of the belt to scale the
drainpipe or negotiate the barbed wire in order to return the ball to play.
Disputes usually arise between the player who actually struck the ball and
any others he claims it may have struck before disappearing into forbidden
territory. In the case of the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible
for such an incident, a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or
the game may be abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that
A: "Ye canny make me"; or B: "It's no' ma baw anyway".
Stray dog on pitch. An interruption of unpredictable duration. The dog does
not have to make off with the ball, it merely has to run around barking
loudly, snarling and occasionally drooling or foaming at the mouth. This
will ensure a dramatic reduction in the number of playing staff as 27 of
them simultaneously volunteer to go indoors and inform the teacher of the
threat. The length of the interruption can sometimes
be gauged by the breed of dog. A deranged Irish Setter could take ten
minutes to tire itself of running in circles, for instance, while a Jack
Russell may take up to fifteen minutes to corner and force out through the
gates. An Alsatian means instant abandonment.
Bigger boys steal ball. A highly irritating interruption, the length of
which is determined by the players' experience in dealing with this sort of
thing. The intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise
their own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger
players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and
unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and
engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage
indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older brother
is "Mad Chic Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also ensure
minimum delay.
Menopausal old bag confiscates ball. More of a threat in the street or local
green kickabout than within the school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed,
ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner transfers her anger about the array of
failures that has been her life to nine-year-olds who have committed the
heinous crime of letting their ball cross her privet Line of Death.
Interruption (loss of ball) is predicted to last "until you learn
how to play with it properly", but instruction on how to achieve this
without actually having the bloody thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is
required in these circumstances, even when the return of the ball seems
highly unlikely, as further irritation of woman may result in the more
serious stoppage: Menopausal old bag calls police.
Celebration.
Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their hands
in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed terraces.
Congratulation by team-mates is in the measure appropriate to the importance
of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance, making it 34-12
does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and make the sign of the
cross), and the extent of the scorer's
contribution.
A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard* rocket shot will
elicit applause and back-pats from the entire team and the more magnanimous
of the opponents. However, a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will
be heralded with the epithet "poachin' wee bastard" from the opposing
defence amidst mild acknowledgment from team-mates.
Applying an unnecessary final touch when a ball is already rolling into the
goal will elicit a burst nose from the original striker. Kneeling down to
head the ball over the line when defence and keeper are already beaten will
elicit a thoroughly deserved kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be
stressed that any goal scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal
acclaim, even if it falls into any of the latter three categories.
NOTE* - Actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because
"it's no' a full-size pitch".
Penalties
At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who will
defer to a team-mate in special circumstances, such as his requiring one
more for a hat-trick. The playground side has two appointed penalty-takers:
the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is simple: the Best
Player takes the penalties when his side is a retrievable margin behind, and
the Best Fighter at all other times. If the side is comfortably in front,
the ball-owner may be invited to take a penalty.
Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions at penalties,
forced to give up their position to the Best Player or Best Fighter, who
recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of saving one of these kicks,
and are buggered if "Wee Titch" is going to steal any of it.
Close Season
This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually spend
dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while Wimbledon is
on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open; and cricket for
about an hour and a half until they discover that it really is as boring to
play as it is to watch.
![[Image: Nogoal.jpg]](http://i864.photobucket.com/albums/ab208/BsaFan/No%20goal/Nogoal.jpg)
orry:
![[Image: crap.jpg]](http://i246.photobucket.com/albums/gg111/squmsqum/crap.jpg)