+- Forums (https://www.carpe-tdm.net)
+-- Forum: Piston broke (https://www.carpe-tdm.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=5)
+--- Forum: Comedy Central (https://www.carpe-tdm.net/forumdisplay.php?fid=19)
+--- Thread: It's A Joke (/showthread.php?tid=884)
It's A Joke - dapleb - 03-06-2022
I lost three fingers on my right hand so I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He said "maybe, but I wouldn't count on it"
It's A Joke - dapleb - 04-06-2022
It's my wife's birthday next week and she has been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house.
So I got her a magazine rack
It's A Joke - dapleb - 05-06-2022
I just figured out why Teslas are so expensive
It's because they charge a lot.
It's A Joke - dapleb - 07-06-2022
My wife has just phoned me to say 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said "that's probably why"
It's A Joke - dapleb - 08-06-2022
Steven King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
It's A Joke - dapleb - 09-06-2022
I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables.
The celery was unacceptable
It's A Joke - Snowbird - 09-06-2022
I visited screwfix.com and was most disappointed, I thought it was a dating website.
So I tried tesco's dating app instead and ended up with a bag for life.
It's A Joke - peter-may - 09-06-2022
I've just seen the neighbour's poor old, blind dog humping a cabbage in their garden. Poor bugger must have thought it was a collie.
It's A Joke - Snowbird - 09-06-2022
12 Commandments for growing older
Â
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
#6 - "On time" is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
#9 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.
And one more maybe the most important:
"One for the road" means peeing before you leave your home.
It's A Joke - dablik - 09-06-2022
One for the roadÂ
yessiree.It's A Joke - peter-may - 09-06-2022
I call that an "insurance P"...just in case!!
It's A Joke - alanfavell - 09-06-2022
+1
It's A Joke - Snowbird - 10-06-2022
My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex.
Â
My girlfriend insists that it is for dyslexia.
It's A Joke - dapleb - 10-06-2022
Lolzio
My dad was bragging about his new hearing aid. "State of the art" he said, "it cost me a fortune".
I asked "what type is it?"
He said "two thirty".
It's A Joke - Snowbird - 10-06-2022
An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
"What's the matter old timerânever done anything wild in your life?"
The old captain snorted. "Yes, got drunk once and shagged a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son!"
It's A Joke - dapleb - 11-06-2022
How did the hacker get away from the police?
He ransomware.
It's A Joke - Snowbird - 11-06-2022
The wife said, "You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"
I thought, what strange way to start a conversation with me.
It's A Joke - dapleb - 12-06-2022
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle
It's A Joke - Snowbird - 13-06-2022
I was told I could save money by eating roadkill so I gave it a go, it turns out I could make a few quid by selling his bike too.
It's A Joke - dapleb - 13-06-2022
Lolzio